Once upon a time many generations of a family lived together under one roof. But in Modern America, such an arrangement is seen as unusual. In our society, children are expected to move outward and onward soon after reaching adulthood. Anything less is certain to invite gossip, despite some obvious advantages to sharing a house with your folks. Let me share a story.
J is my right hand man at work, I lean on him a lot. He is about a decade older than me and never married. He also lives with his parents, but he defies all the stereotypes of a guy still living at home. He isn’t a slacker, he works hard and earns a good living. He isn’t a mooch, every weekend he and his dad work on projects together. They keep up the house and sometimes build custom furniture that his father sells . Also, he pays his parents rent each month (yes I asked, these things interest me). OK he probably qualifies as a dork, but so does everyone I work with. We’re an engineering firm, what do you expect. Today I found out the backstory.
Back in the first part of the decade, his parents asked him to move home. He is the oldest child, the only boy with three younger sisters! His parents were getting older and didn’t have the energy to deal with a wild teenager on their own. He stepped in to help raise his sister and figured he could save money at the same time. This was just before real estate really took off in California, so save as he might the prices grew out of his reach. So he stayed and stayed and here he is years later still living at home. I think he has quite the down payment saved! At this point he is ready to move out and move on, the sisters are all grown up now. But it seems like the arrangement has worked pretty well for him.
Given the obvious benefits of sharing a family household:
-lower cost of living
-sharing of household labor
-help with childcare
you wonder why more people don’t chose to live with their folks, at least temporarily as they are establishing themselves as an adult. The current recession has made such households more common, many young adults are returning home since they cannot find work. But I wonder if such a trend will last given the social stigma attached to adults living with their parents. People like my co-worker J seem to be the exception.
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11 comments:
My parents will drive me nuts it they lived with me. But based upon my parents' financial problems and their old age, I'm sure that they will eventually move in with either my sister or me. So in our case, it's the slacker parents living with the responsible kids.
When I worked at a homeless shelter for women and children, our program staff encouraged women to look at "alternative housing" situations, like moving in with other moms (with an added bonus of saving on childcare expenses), co-operative housing, etc. It's crazy, because living with family and/or co-operative housing is the norm in other countries, but is considered "alternative" in North America. Nuts!
I wonder if living in relative isolation from extended family and community doesn't contribute to our widespread problems with depression and mindless consumption.
that's a really nice story - and great around Christmas. I think it's lovely that he moved in to help his family out during hard times. Not everyone would have done that.
If I lived with my parents, I can just imagine how much money I'd save! However, I don't think my parents would like it very much if we (my husband and I) insisted on living with them so we can save. They have this mentality where if you think you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to be on your own.
Doesn't it really depend on the family dynamic? And also, if moving in will mutually benefit both parties? It seems like it's usually solely for the benefit of the kids, and that's why there's a stigma attached. I think it's a good idea if it's a situation like your coworker's.
I would love to live in a family community! I think that having family close is so important. BUT I also live hours away from mine so I can say that. If I was close to them, I may feel different. ;)
I love my mom, and she loves me. But after about 8 months of living in the same apartment, we agreed that, if we wanted that love to continue, we needed separate apartments.
It's hard for a lot of us to deal with the dynamic of being an adult around our parents. Too many issues trigger adolescent responses. Or the parents have trouble accepting us as adults. Or some mix of the two.
If you can live with your parents, hey terrific. I think you should always pay some form of rent or whatever, to be sure you're not taking advantage.
As it is, we're trying to convince Tim's mom to move in to our second bedroom. We don't know how long it would be; I don't know how long it would work with our sanity intact. But we want her to be happy and we truly believe that's more likely if she moves away from some elements up in Washington. And her joints would be better in the dry heat, too.
So we'll make it work. It will give her a few months to save up, find out what help she's eligible for, and get herself situated in the area. We love her and while I doubt we could make the situation work in the true long-term, we'll do what it takes to be sure she's happy and comfortable.
Then there is always the intangible value of companionship!
John DeFlumeri Jr
My mother has lived with me for the last 10 years. It started right after my father died and my husband committed suicide 2 months later. She helped me raise my kids so I could go to work and nursing school at the same time.
I remarried 5 years ago and my babies are now teenagers but my mom is an intricate part of our lives and still lives here. She actually shares a room with my daughter, who is 14 and its ok with both of them. I have never asked my mom for a dime but over the years she has purchased new carpet, a stove, other things.
My hope is she wants to stay with us forever. The extra money allows her to travel with friends, she always has someone around(my kids friends love her and have even taken her to the strangest concets).
It works for us..sure sometimes there are fights but its ok. I love that its this way.
kelly
Ever since I was young, I always told my parents I'd move out as soon as I was able. Now that I am able, I'm staying at home. My parents were forced to retire early with my Dad's heart condition. Too young to qualify for Old Age Security or CPP, I have agreed to take on as the head of the household. It's a bit daunting but in my heart, I know it's the better arrangement as I'd regret not doing everything I can when they one day pass on.
I don't know if I can live with my parents (or SO's parents) under the same roof. I would not, however, be opposed to living with them in a duplex or very close to them. In fact, I think the ideal distance between parents and I are about 1 hour's drive - close enough to visit whenever I want / there is need, but too far for anyone to unexpectedly drop in on anyone else.
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